I think I'm going to be sick

You wouldn’t have run today. Sure, you could do the distance. You’ve been on the treadmill all winter long. Sometimes you even do the hill program and speed it up at the end. You’re a faker. You are a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. You are moving your legs and working up a sweat, going through the motions, trying to emulate what real runners do but in the comfort of your own home or in the gym.

What? It’s too cold outside to run? The wind is blowing too hard? There is snow on the ground? Those are your excuses? No those are just the reasons you wouldn’t have run today. Today the temperatures hovered just above freezing and the steady rain that came down was a fraction of a degree from turning to snow. The Han River that the course followed still had chunks of ice in it. The wind blew unmercilessly and the rain blew sideways. The course was packed and the path was completely covered in water in many parts.

I know you wouldn’t have done it. But there were people there. There were people wearing plastic bags to cover themselves from the elements. There were people in the newest, flashiest jackets and tights. There were old runners and there were new runners. One guy who spent the previous month training and had only run one race before was there. He had never really been a runner before and was coerced by his friends to do it. He even bought a new pair of shoes for the occasion. While the wind was blowing and the ice was on the brink of forming he pushed on, cursing the weather and his friends for making him do this.

But despite these seemingly insurmountable challenges and the course that went on for what may have seemed like a bleak, frigid eternity he finished. His hands were numb and he was on the edge of hypothermia. He even finished ahead of many other seasoned “real” runners. So with this race he crossed some sort of line and became a real runner. He doesn’t read the mags or worry about heart rate. He doesn’t know who Hal Higdon is and had never heard of a tempo run. Instead he goes outside and does the unglamorous task of running. And when the weather is at its worst and mortals are in bed or going through the motions on a machine, he is out there putting in the miles. And that is why he is better than you.

Thus begins a new year

My girlfriend moved out of her apartment around the corner today. She is moving to Seoul to go to graduate school and will now be more than a 10 minute walk for me. I could feel the twinges of depression coming on and like a junkie's futile attempt to refuse the needle I begrudgingly slipped my shoes and started running. I needed to get the endorphins flowing before I got into a funk.

The previous 4 days have been about running in attempt to stave off reality so it could be buffer from feeling real emotions. The hope and eager anticipation I feel when thinking of the new school year keeps shifting back to the dread of having to go back and become a cog in an incredibly inefficient bureaucratic nightmare of a school system. My girlfriend leaving and living two hours away is something that we both knew was coming but having to face it as an actual event is terrifying.

I set off without thinking about where I was going and all I did to prepare was put on a white shirt so I'd be visible to cars in the dark and put some dark dub step on my ipod to match my mood and sync my feet.

I started at a fast pace and ran through former rice paddies that in the past year have been transformed into massive apartment buildings. The paved running paths were intermittent and mud bridged each gap. I continued alongside the newly built roadways that were constructed bigger than is presently necessary in an attempt to future proof the city's infrastructure and were completely empty save for a few intermittent stray cars. My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the night and as each car approached me I was momentarily blinded, making finding my footing that much harder since I didn't know when my foot would be making contact with the earth and what kind of surface it would be.

I was able to find a deserted unlit stretch so dark and desolate that I could no longer make out where the ground ended and the night began. I felt like I was floating. My running was smooth and my breathing effortless. I didn't have the sensation of anything except existing and thinking. I was wading through an inky sea, unaware of the passage of time or distance. The only think keeping me grounded in reality was the surreal backdrop of the distopian apartments in the distance that looked like they were lifted from the set of Bladerunner.

I made it home with no fanfare. I pushed hard at the end, going up two hills. It was more of a meditative experience that a physical one. It is what I needed.

As of this run, I have logged about 30 miles in the past 4 days. Today was 7:30 splits. It was supposed to be a recovery run but I opened it up a little and let loose. It felt good to hurt at the end.